night beach

This night my child, her dad, and I went to China Beach. We watched as the tide came in. I ran the length of the beach with glee calling out in the voice of a little child: running, running, running!
We raced. We stomped the seafoam to bits. We climbed the rocks and got scared as the waves broke around us and flooded below.
It was such a sweet expenditure of pent up energy. We'd had a very tense time in the prior days. And now for a few moments we were whole, together, happy.

lowtide

lowtide

a lull settles over me

not just as i stand on the shore

the tide of my life is low right now

and that is a good thing

there's a calm and steadiness i have rarely known

i'm grounded, safe

able to embark on deeper explorations

This is what you eat when it's stupid hot

It was ssooo hot here today. And when I say that I am aware that I may have become a spoiled Californian because the high today was 89 degrees. That's a cool breeze in late July where I come from. To be fair, I don't have air conditioning (because I live in the Bay Area so why?) and the terrible wind of last week went out to sea or something. So, up in my third-story sunny nook it was warmish and the air was completely still so I was a little miserable. And I needed sustenance before bed.
If you too are a little miserable and cooking is the very last thing you can consider doing but you must eat, treat your taste buds to the best of what summer has to offer in utter simplicity and celerity.

Best dinner when it's nearly too hot to even eat

ripe avocado
excellent fresh summer tomatoes
sour dough toast
chopped fresh garlic
salt
black pepper

Mash that soft avocado into the toast. Add chopped garlic to taste. Slice sweet summer tomatoes and press into avocado. Grind salt and black pepper over. You could add salad greens on top (frisee would be great) but I wanted to fall into the other flavors without any '"watering down." I could also imagine adding a few drops of balsamic vinegar.
Eat this toast as an open-faced sandwich in front of an open window once the sun drops and there's a blessedly cool breeze again. This was the part where I said out loud to no one: God Bless the Earth!
This taste of summer will make all the sweating and stickiness worth it.

You're welcome.

Mastering the Art of ....

I just finished reading Julie and Julia: 365 Days, 524 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment Kitchen. I cannot remember the last time a read a book cover to cover. I have been in a reading funk for a long time, unable to stay with a book until the end either because it hasn't captured me or my life is simply too chaotic for a book to win out for my attention. This is not for a lack of trying. My e-reader and library card have been well exercised in my quest to become a reader again, to lengthen my attention span.
It helped the reading of Julie and Julia that I was sick in bed and off work for four days. That also hasn't been the case in a long while, blessedly. Actually, this is the first time in my life I have had a job which can go on just fine without me and gives me paid sick time--which I used ALL of this week. I'm okay with that. I'm in a phase where I utilize my resources as needed rather than fret over some possible future time I might need them more, hording in fear. I was ill, feeling awful and had just moved into my own apartment after a year and four months of being a nomad of sorts--using whatever sick time I had seemed like the perfect use of that resource right then.
I wanted to read Julie and Julia because I fancy myself a foodie and since regaining my own kitchen  I have been super excited to savor the joys and frustrations of cooking again. What I found in reading the book is a writer I can relate to. Her style, vocabulary and humor reminded me how much I enjoy--and have been neglecting--my own writing. So, in between reading jags, I was composing parts of posts or titles and picturing the floorplans I'd draw to accompany my stories of moving into a teeny tiny apartment after a year and a half on the lam.
What I didn't get from the book is inspiration to cook French food. Julie managed to make that sound like a highly unfavorable if downright disgusting task. Also, beware that some of the descriptions of the act of cooking and the state of Julie and Eric's apartment make this book not always a great meal-time read. However, if your chest is full of infectious mucus and your head feels like it is in a vice, you may not be bothered by the graphic depiction of butchering a live lobster. I was so miserable I rather enjoyed the lobster scene although I did find the deboning a whole duck rather more than I could bear. Perhaps I was too well over my lovely summer cold by the time I got to that part.
I have to say for all the glory in which Pate de Canard en Croute is held, I did an image search and thought, "this is the weirdest thing in food I have ever seen." It's a loaf of a whole duck (sans bones) stuffed with other meat and fat (as though duck isn't fatty enough) surrounded by a pastry crust. One slices it just like meat loaf or bread. Perhaps I was vegetarian too long or too underexposed to different foods in my formative years but I could not find anything about that dish desirable. I certainly am NOT French enough to want to make that or nearly anything else in Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Sans boeuf bourguignon and coq au vin of course. Which I gather from Julie (or was it Julia?) are essentially the same thing.  

Broccoli rabe, sauteed mushrooms, polenta

I have noticed that despite--or because of--how much I enjoy writing and sharing my stories, there's always a resistance that comes when I think about sitting down at the drawing table and getting the words out. So today, my one day in which I don't have to leave the house for a job, I had every intention of doing some serious writing. I have an actual writing assignment and then I have the back log of blog posts about the Nook that are nagging me. And yet I spent the morning puttering, telling myself I had to clean and prepare my space for creative work. I took so long after breakfast reading, puttering and preparing that once I thought I was ready to get to the keyboard I was vaguely hungry and decided I better make lunch. Alas, mid-day on my one day off I am finally fed, have enjoyed two cups of coffee from the beloved AeroPress, have a fairly clean apartment and am at the old drawing board. This, of course is my primer exercise. But I'll add to it an image of a simple dish you might enjoy as much as I did and then move on to tackling a strategy for a more regular and disciplined regimen of writing and posting.
Probably the best thing I got from reading Julie and Julia was the value of committing oneself to a project with a goal and some parameters. Now, whether or not I can make myself do that, we shall see. But, like Julie Powell was before she got her book deal, I am a secretary with little job satisfaction who would like another reason to get out of bed everyday besides following the status quo and going to an office to seem like a typical member of the American middle (?) class to collect a paycheck to pay the rent on an outer borough apartment that is less than ideal. So, let's get to it!

(Somewhat) Enjoying the Bittersweetness

Self portrait with coffee grinder

I have landed. I finally signed a lease and have become a truly committed ;-) resident of the San Francisco Bay Area.
Nothing about this move has gone as planned and moving day was no exception. On the bright side, the hurdles and potholes have made me slow down. So, I am finding myself with time and space I didn't expect and with that comes introspection. I find I am missing people I haven't been in touch with for a while, wishing to reach out and share the news and afraid it will fall flat or be awkward. So, I do nothing but look out my window across the bay while I wash dishes.
I think I am somewhat enjoying the bittersweetness of not having anyone to share this milestone with. I have people, but this is a really big deal for me and not so much for anyone else. With one giant exception.
My teenage daughter is moving here to live with me in a few weeks. However, right now her milestone is about parting with the only place she's ever lived, saying goodbye to her brother and sister, father and friends. She's dealing with really different feelings than I am.
So, I savor my accomplishment by myself and wish I wasn't savoring it myself and yet feel sorta glad I am because I wouldn't want my experience to be watered down or colored by another's thoughts or feelings.

Okay, now that I have had that out, I'll get down to the business of describing the experience of renting a tiny apartment and furnishing it. Things won't get really interesting until the kiddo gets here but in the meanwhile I'll post some floor plans, photos and a glance at my process for seeking and acquiring appropriate, multi-functional furniture. Stay tuned and in prep maybe check out LifeEdited.

Rest in the Waiting

This week I read two bits of wisdom on waiting. This is a timely message for me.

I celebrated my first anniversary since moving to California last week. That brought on a serious case of reflection and gratitude. I thought about and reached out to all the friends and strangers who have helped me along the way. I even thanked an ex-boyfriend that hurt me for what he brought to my life before the time of hurt.
I also realized I have been applying for jobs here for nearly two years. Many, many, many jobs. Many rejections. A few -- some enviable -- interviews.

What was remarkable to me about this was that I thought of it as a neutral fact. Somehow my angst and frustration have subsided. I have even felt the addictive rush of knowing that opportunity may knock at any moment. The tingle that comes with believing my fortune can change for the better in an instant is bigger than the frustrations of working an unfulfilling, low-paying, for-now job and all the feelings that come with that.

Perhaps it's the time in my life. Perhaps it's being on the other side of a traumatic year. Perhaps it's being in the San Francisco Bay Area post-recession. This is a place of growth and innovation, creation and -- above all else -- possibility. I feel the pulse and it moves me.

So, I realized, when my ship does come in, when opportunity knocks and I get a chance to finally shine super brightly, things are gonna get busy. There will be flurry of activity. A new job, new routine, different commute, bigger paycheck opening new doors for better housing, new work-mates and friends, more decisions to make and things to learn. The expansive time will come again and be hectic and exciting.

So, for now, I can chill in the ebb of the tide. The calm. I can rest and get ready. Prepare, relax, and wait.

Coming Up On A Year

soundtrack these last couple weeks:

Dreamers by Savoir Adore

Forever Young cover by Youth Group

It's Amazing by Jem

Life In a Northern Town by The Dream Academy

No One by Alicia Keys

and more recently, some Classics:

Eye In the Sky by The Alan Parsons Project

Fool In the Rain by Led Zeppelin

Me and Bobbie McGee by Janis Joplin

I'll start by saying my balance sheet is in the black. I know, that is totally boring. It's the state of my nation right now. My dreams of moving to San Francisco and landing an awesome, fulfilling and financially rewarding job haven't fully materialized yet. However, I am working a full time, perm gig with adequate (for being sans dependent child and renting a room) pay plus benefits. For the first time in a very long time I am making more money than I am spending. This has been the case for three out of the past five months with one month breaking even. This means if all factors remain basically the same, in another five months I'll be in significantly less debt. I know, I know.... Ssoooo boring.
Perhaps stability and digging out of debt is laying a foundation? Perhaps I'm preparing the soil and planting seeds now for a blossoming and harvest to come? We'll see in another six months, eh?

And you'll fall, yes you will hit a wall
But get back on your feet
And you'll be stronger and smarter

In the meanwhile, I continue keeping a finger on the pulse of the job market here. I keep looking at job alerts. I return phone calls from recruiters. I have honed my resume, zeroed in on my skill set and can now articulate what my ideal job is. So, again, I'm laying a foundation or maybe even framing the structure?
Going after your dreams isn't in actuality as romantic and inspirational as it sounds. There's a lot of hard work and sacrifice in it. And then there's the self doubt. In my head there's chatter:
"Maybe you should quit your job so you can dedicate all your time to landing a job you really want." 
"Why not quit your job and take temp gigs and short term contracts, at least that way you are getting exposure and learning new things."
"You'll never land the job you want so now what?"
"You have it pretty good so why can't you be happy?"
And on and on and on.
Which is why I track my debt to income ratio and bike to work way too early in the morning and make the most of my days off. Making dreams come true is hard work and takes time. Patience + persistence is the formula I have figured out. Those two elements in the right proportion is the key to success, I am certain. Am I applying the elements in the right proportion yet or not? Only time will tell.